8.24.25

Day 17 sober.

Today I had my heart broken in a way that I never prepared for. 

After teaching my Saturday morning Buddhist meditation class, I received a text from my master asking me to distance my personal brand from our temple’s organization. 

Due to a Tik Tok where I vulnerably shared how much I have been struggling with my sobriety. 

The organization that I have devoted the last ten years of my life to. 

The people that I have devoutly given my honest heart and soul to. 

And all that ended, with a text message. 

Immediately panicked, I asked him for a phone call. 

As soon as that call ended, my girlfriend had returned from her daily AA meeting. 

Through the sliding glass door she could tell that something was terribly wrong. 

I cried as if someone had died. 

I could barely get the words out, I was so beside myself. 

She held me and calmed me as I explained what happened. 

He has never sounded so disappointed in me. 

Someone saw my Tik Tok and sent it to him and other sangha members. 

They have been spending the last three days discussing whether or not I am suitable to represent leadership at our organization. 

He said that I used derogatory towards myself. That he didn’t recognize me. That I seemed manic and unwell. 

In a video where I shared how much I have been beating myself up for struggling with my sobriety over the last three years. 

In a video where I say out-loud, that I have not been able to stay sober for more than 90 days - and this time it’s going to stick. 

In a video where I said, despite all of this struggle and shame, I’m proud of myself. 

You know, at first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share online that I was struggling with a cannabis addiction and choosing to get serious about my sobriety. 

And that unsureness about sharing was completely ego-based. 

I didn’t want all of my lovely followers, students and clients to know that I struggle in this way. 

And that’s exactly why I realized that I must share. 

Because I don’t want you to idolize me. 

I don’t want you to think I’m perfect. 

I want you to know that I’m just like you. 

And that even thought I’ve dabbled in all kinds of sober-curiosities successfully before, 

This time it’s different. 

Because this time it’s not just dabbling. 

This time, it’s the clear and obvious next step in my spiritual journey. 

I want to live a sober life. Not for a month, not for a year or a season. But for good. 

And I want to share the journey to inspire my people, the same way that my people inspire me. 

I explained to him that video was about my sobriety. That it was full of slang because I was talking to my peers, my friends. 

I explained that I am proud to share that I am working on my sobriety in a world that makes it incredibly difficult to be so. 

I told him that I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m not ashamed of myself. I like who I am and I’m perfectly stable. 

In fact, more stable and healthy than ever before. 

But the last thing I said was, I am so deeply sorry that I have disappointed you. 

He is the greatest man in my life. 

He is the only man in my life. 

And I am devastated that I have disappointed him. 

At the end of the call I told him I’m supposed to sub class in the morning. 

He told me I’d better not. 

I complied. 

I explained all of this to her as I heaved my guts out into her arms, feeling like the most important thing in my entire life just slipped right through my fingers. 

He started calling me again. 

I answered. 

He said:

Tenzin, what are we if we do not have each other’s backs through difficult times?

I will never abandon you. 

I will handle this. 

I want you to teach class in the morning okay? 

I will call you tomorrow and we will talk further. 

I complied. 

I watched a tear fall from Tai’s eye as she listened to the call.

I will never abandon you. 

The only five words I needed to hear from him to know that I could survive this awful day. 

I prepared myself to be asked to resign from my leadership role at the Buddhist temple. 

But the more that I cried and allowed myself to be in these heartbroken feelings I realized:

The decision is not theirs to make. 

It’s mine. 

What is a sangha? 

What is this thing that I take refuge in everyday? 

What is my spiritual family if they are passing around videos of me, spending three days gossiping about me and trying to decide if I am WORTHY of representing them? 

My sangha, the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, for exactly who I am, no matter what.

The people who have been my only family for the last ten years while my own parents and three sisters have rejected me.

The people who created a safe enough space for me that I was able to accept that I am gay - inside the refuge of that very temple. 

Who could turn on me like this? 

Who could betray me like this? 

As someone who’s literal job description is to care for the sangha and make sure that everyone is feeling looked out for, I ask myself what I would have done if I saw a young member making a video, beating herself up for struggling with her sobriety. 

I would definitely not copy the link and pass it onto leadership. 

I would absolutely not gossip about her and call her manic. 

And I certainly would not ask her to distance herself from our organization over a text message. 

This is not a spiritual family. 

What would I do?

I would call her right away. 

And let her know that her sangha has her back. 

I would let her know that it’s okay to struggle and that we’re proud of her. 

I would let her know that she can call me anytime that she needs support. 

I would tell her to never beat herself up the way I saw in that video. 

I started thinking about how much it would mean to me if someone in my sangha called me and said those things to me this week. 

How loved I would have felt. 

How looked out for I would have been. 

How much I have needed that support. 

But nobody did. 

Nobody did. 

Just a text that "my persona is not compatible with our organization’s image."

The truth is, I am in a conservative, archaic and patriarchal organization. 

And this is something I have struggled with for years. 

We do not welcome others with open arms. 

We are not the warm and cozy buddhists that you might think we are. 

And the reason why they were so shocked to see a Tik Tok of me being 100% MYSELF. 

Is because I have never, ever let them see that side of me. 

I have always felt that I am too flamboyant for them. 

Too fiery, too spicy, too passionate and outspoken. 

And in order to gain my love and security from them over the years, I have presented myself in a professional manner. 

Which perhaps was my own biggest mistake. 

It’s not up to them whether or not I am worthy of maintaining my role in their leadership. 

It is up to me to decide whether or not this sangha is my true sangha.

Because when I state the words, “I take refuge in the sangha” every single day for the past 10 years of my life,

They no longer feel true to me. 

They are not my refuge. 

They have betrayed me. 

They have judged me for being exactly who I am.

And I am not sure that this is something I can move on from. 

I’m not in a crisis of faith. 

Oh no, I have absolutely zero doubts about my religious path. 

I am in a crisis of religious politics. 

Something that I literally moved away from Utah in order to escape. 

I will not shrink myself or stay quiet or change who I am and the way that I express myself in order to appease a religious organization. 

Fuck that! 

And to be honest, the pressure was starting to kill me. 

Today, it finally broke me. 

Hours later, I calmed down and decided to just lay out by the pool and drink sueros with my love. 

She handed me a completely random tarot deck that I’ve never even opened before. 

A deck that was a gift from a client that Tai felt called to bring to the pool.

She passed it to me and said, why don’t you pull some cards and get some guidance?

I shrugged and opened the fresh cards. 

And here’s where my faith in my own individual path truly lies:

I pulled a card that had Green Tara on it. 

Yes, Green Tara - in a Tarot deck. I was confused too. 

She looked exactly like the tattoo on my arm. 

The original dakini. 

The fierce, feminist protector of women. 

Her image reminded me that I am proud of who I am. 

I am proud of the journey that I have devoted myself to. 

I surrender to the guidance of the buddhas every single god damn day of my life. 

I have zero doubts in myself, because I know that I am living in devotion to their guiding hands. 

And pulling this card from a completely random deck - was the only sign that I needed today. 

Green Tara came to me as my fierce protector. 

Many masters told her that she could not become enlightened because she was in a female body. 

And to those men she said, watch me.

In that radical act of deep self-trust, she became the first female embodiment of the buddha. 

Showing all the “masters” in her lineage that they were wrong about her. Some masters they were!

I will never turn my back on my guru. 

And I know now that he will never turn his back on me. 

But the organization, the politics, the constant red tape that I come up against. 

It’s exhausting me. 

I’m just not sure if my efforts are worth it anymore. 

Here in Tulum, I finally have my own spiritual friends. 

They don’t care if I wear robes or have a fancy Tibetan name. 

They are the ones who are celebrating and inspiring my sobriety as they walk this path with me. 

They are ones who laugh with me when I say I’m sorry for being a moody cunt. 

The ones who see me for my pure heart and my pure love and my GAY ASS flamboyant expression. 

Perhaps my sangha was always here in Tulum, waiting to be discovered by me. 

I don’t know what is the correct next step for me. 

But I know that I deserve a sangha that unconditionally loves me. 

And is unconditionally there for me. 

And would never doubt in my worthiness for representing them. 

My sangha should be proud of who I am. 

And I’m grateful for my spiritual family of Tulum. 

Because I know that they are. ♥️