10.3.25

It’s day 57 of being sober from cannabis (and everything else that’s any fun). 

I’m starting to feel like I don’t really like who I am when I’m not smoking. 

This is the same cycle I always go through whenever I quit. 

Not only am I painfully bored with myself. 

But I turn into this rigid, serious and uptight person. 

The person that I always was before I found this plant. 

The person that I always become whenever I decide to quit. 

I feel like my family and friends have always preferred me when I am smoking. 

I know that sounds harsh to say. 

And it’s definitely not that they prefer me to be stoned all day. 

But they do prefer me to lighten the fuck up and open my heart a bit. 

And when I’m this level of stone cold sober, I return to this icy version of myself. 

It’s like resting bitch face but for my entire energy field. 

Perhaps I’m just making excuses to get off the wagon. 

But for the last week, all I can seem to think about is all the things that plant does to not only make my life better - 

But also to make me better. 

I think that most of my childhood I was hyper vigilant, never able to relax, always alert, anxious and never quite sure what was going to happen next. 

I never felt truly relaxed. 

The first time I ever smoked, it was like a full body exhale. 

It was like I finally released my death grip on life. 

At lately, I’ve been feeling that grip again. 

I wake up moody. 

I push myself through my morning ritual. 

I journal and try to lighten up. 

I skip breakfast unless Tai makes me something. 

Whenever she asks me what I want to eat - I have no idea. 

I miss having the munchies.

All I want is Diet Coke - the only thing that takes the edge off at this point. 

No matter what happens in my day - even really good happy fun things, I feel myself bounce back to this homeostasis of rigidity. Seriousness. The opposite of enthusiasm. 

I don’t laugh much when I’m like this. 

I don’t play my guitar or sing.  

All I do is focus on work. 

That seems to be the main positive I’m holding onto through this sobriety. 
I’ve never been this clear or organized in my business. 

At this point, I’m five months ahead of schedule for my entire year. 

I stayed up way too late last night trying to finish a project that isn’t launching until next month. 

Today, when I could have clocked out to watch a movie with Tai - I put my headphones on to start working on a project that isn’t launching until APRIL. 

I will work for 12 hours straight and not be able to get myself to stop. 

Even if that means going to sleep at 3am. 

Even when there is absolutely no pressing work that needs to be done. 

I can’t stop. It’s like an obsession. I don’t know how to turn off. 

This is almost ALWAYS why I return to smoking. 

On top of that - I feel that all of my sensory issues get insanely wound up. 

Sounds are too loud. Smells are too sharp. Even just getting in the shower feels like complete overwhelm to my system. When I get to this point, I start isolating - because the world is just too overstimulating for me. 

Today, I hardly left my bedroom. 

I woke up late, meditated in bed, worked from bed, and finally agreed to leave the house to take the dogs for a walk. 

Which left me feeling even more irritated. 

Tai thinks our connection is eroding. 

The problem is - she has just never seen me at this level. 

It’s a type of burnout that I reach when I simply cannot turn myself off. 

This happens every single fucking time I quit smoking. 

My brain feels like it’s on adderall 24/7 and I have literally no idea how to shut down. 

And if someone suggests to me to use my tools of meditation and relaxation to calm down I will literally HISS at them. 
Because here’s the thing - I’m perfectly calm. I’m perfectly relaxed. 

It’s learning how to meditate and relaxed that helped me heal the way these parts of me tried to take me down. 

But even when I’m perfectly calm and relaxed, I’m still a cold, moody bitch. 

I feel my heart close down. 

I feel my sense of humor completely leave my body. 

I feel my ability to tolerate other humans, even the love of my life, drop to an intense 0%. 

I can go weeks without ever seeing anybody or speaking to anybody. 

The other morning we were at the cutest breakfast place on the side of the road. 

And all the sudden, it felt like every single sound in the entire town was screeching through my brain. 

Physically hurting me. 

I couldn’t even focus on anything Tai was saying to me. I couldn’t hear her. 
I couldn’t understand how everyone else at the restaurant was tolerating the collage of noises. 

I wanted to cover my ears and start screaming. 

But I had to use my “tools” to prevent myself from causing a scene. 

I closed my eyes, I took slow breathes. I tried to calm myself and focus on the food on my plate. 

Whenever I return to cannabis - I feel that easeful exhale into my body. 

I feel like I’m living INSIDE my body again. 

I want to practice yoga more. I want to dance more. I want to go on long walks more. 

I’m WAY more active that’s for sure. 

I can suddenly handle bright lights and loud sounds. 

Showering at night feels soothing instead of overwhelming. 

I can actually close my laptop and finish working at a reasonable hour - trusting that I’ve done enough. 
I can switch tasks and actually get a few extra things done in a day. 

On a deeper level, I feel my heart open. I feel more connected to people. 

I feel less scared of being around then and more excited to get to know them. 

I laugh a lot. And I lighten the fuck up. I don’t take everything so god damn seriously. 

And I really miss that. 

All of the things that I struggle with, are eased by a simple, responsible dose of cannabis. 

And yet, I constantly abuse the hell out of this drug. 

I go from using it to tap in, to using it to TAP OUT. 

I haven’t been able to find a balance in a long time. 

I look back on all the times that I’ve lost my discipline with the stuff and it’s becoming super clear: 

It’s when I’m going through something traumatic. 

Post-traumatic. Too much change. Too big of feelings. 

I start using it as an escape. I start using it to avoid myself. 

And I want to be smarter than that. 

I want to be bigger than that. 

But I’m just not sure I trust myself enough quite yet. 

And it’s too damn fucking hard to keep putting myself through these sequences of quitting. 

I keep telling myself that the more I stay sober, the easier it will get. 

But then another voice in my head just tells me: 

This is who you always were. 

This is who you were before you found this magical plant. 

Uptight. 
Obsessive. 

Closed off. 

Over vigilant. 

Guarded. 

Moody. 

Isolationist. 

I don’t want to be this uptight person. 

And I don’t want to be this stoner either. 

It’s day 57. And I’m trying to not focus too hard on the end goal. 

Because I don’t know what my end goal is. 

I guess, learn to respect the plant - or give it up forever.