10.16.25

I don’t even have the words to describe where I’ve been at lately. 

It’s day 70 of no gardening. 

And today I realized, that I got exactly what I asked for when I started this journey. 

I’m coming up on my 10 year anniversary of converting to Buddhism. 

A pretty big deal to me. 

And as I approach that celebration - I’ve been at odds with the Buddhism organization I took refuge in. 

All of this happened because I decided to focus on my sobriety - and be open about it online. 

All of this is deeply connected. 

My main intention behind this was my spiritual journey - not a tolerance break.

I was ready to take myself deeper. I was finally safe enough to go there.

To get under the crust of where I’ve been at for the last ten years. 

And here I am, day 70, feeling more lost than ever. 

I didn’t intend for the deepening to mean feeling this lost.

But I do believe that sometimes you have to fully let go and question everything that you ever believed in order to find your truth again. 

A part of this journey has sent me back to therapy in the best way. 

I manifested an American, licensed practitioner who is a perfect match for me to work with. 

Her home office is a 7 minute walk from my house. 

Today I went to her office and unloaded all that I have been spiraling over. 

“I feel like I’m floating in outer darkness. I feel so lost on my spiritual path. I don’t have the answers and I don’t feel that I’m being guided towards them either.” 

She said, “isn’t this what you asked for?” 

I do believe that to be on a genuine spiritual path you have to go through phases of questioning your own truth. 

My impeccable faith, my unshakeable loyalty - these things have led me to blindness all too often in my life. 

And I feel that the drama that all started over one Tik Tok video - brought me this opportunity to have my faith shaken. 

To have me take a second look at what I’m doing here. 

It’s almost like, I need to renew my vows with Buddhism. 

I need to make repairs in our relationship. 

I need to put the principle before the personality. 

Buddhism is so deeply ingrained in my programming - that will never change. 

And realizing that a group of people are only human and can also make mistakes is a wake up call that all religious people need to have. 

I am surprised at how soft I have been towards myself in this journey. 

I am surprised at how gentle I have been through this sobriety. 

I am not forcing myself to spend hours in prayers every morning - because that isn’t feeling right to me. 

I’m not forcing myself to wake up early and have a three hour morning ritual - because I’m needing a TON of sleep right now. 

I’m not hustling, and I'm certainly not trying to prove my worthiness to anyone. 

My therapist reminded me - I’m not in outer darkness. I’m in a Bardo. 

A liminal space. A void that has a beginning and an end. 

I will not be floating forever. 

My truth will land in me again. 

The answers will come. 

And I’m not reaching outside of myself for them anymore. 

Perhaps the answers are never going to be found inside my Buddhist books. 

Perhaps they will not be on the other side of my prayers or questions. 

It feels like for the first time in my life, I’m allowing my emotions to bring me wisdom. 

I’m allowing myself to just be someone who feels way too much. 

Who cries all the time. 

Who needs a lot of rest and a lot of quiet. 

It feels like the truth can only come through in these moments of letting go. 

Loosening my grip on all of it. 

And acknowledging that I am perfectly safe in this moment. 

I have a home. 

I have food. 

I have a job. 

I have a girlfriend who is good to me. 

I have friends and students who love me. 

Nothing is actually wrong. 

All is well in my earth life. 

And nothing needs to be figured out in my spiritual life. 

It’s day 70 and this is the first time I have felt so many emotions, daily, on a constant basis without numbing them. 

And this is the first time that I’ve allowed my emotions and feelings to be my guide. 

The Buddhist soul that lives inside of me will never change. 

But she asked for this growth - and she is getting it. 

I’m done resisting. 

I’m ready to allow it. 

The waters I’m sailing in are quite smooth actually. 

And I have time to enjoy the ride.