10.20.25

It was day 72 with out weed. 

And I was fucking miserable. 
The open weekend was looming over me again. 

I felt so lost in my head. 

I lost feeling that I had not felt in many years. 

I was sick of myself. 

I was sick of my own bullshit. 

I was sick of letting my girlfriend seeing me spiral into this ugly person. 

No matter what I did - I couldn’t find relief. 

Tai pushed me into the shower with her. 
She washed my hair for me while I sat on the ground and told her: 

I just don’t think that I’m meant to live my life this way. 

I thought that this era of sobriety from cannabis would bring me a sense of clarity and knowing myself. 

I thought that I would get to this moment and never want to look back. 

When in reality - I had spent most of the day scrolling through old content of mine thinking: 

Where did she go? 

Where did that glowy girl go? 

Where is her light? 

Why can’t I find it anymore? 

We got out of the shower and it was decided: my sobriety ends today. 

Even as I write this, I can’t help but ask myself: 

Is this the addiction speaking? Or is this the truth of who I am? 

Should I be ashamed that I am absolutely miserable without this plant in my life? 

It’s not like I didn’t have good days. 

It’s not like this era of sobriety was not 100% worth it. 

But, this closed off, cold and insecure person is just not who I am . 

And I don’t know how I got here. 

Whenever I take a long break from weed, I end up in this same place. 

Rigid. Too serious. Too absorbed in my work. Unable to unplug. Unable to let go. 

We drove to my friends house where she had some supplies. 

I took the gentlest hit off her vape and actually got a little scared for a second. 

We got back in the car and drove through the rainy jungle streets. 

And suddenly - the colors around me were so pretty. 

I felt so cozy and HELD my this town of Tulum. 

I could not believe that I get to live in these muddy jungle roads and call them home. 

I looked over at Tai driving and felt my heart open in love. 

Everything is okay. 

As soon as we walked back into our house, it was like I could feel the energy differently. 

The first thing I did was tidy up my bedroom and get it clean and organized so that energy could flow better. 

Then, I was dying to get on my yoga mat. 

I felt like I was IN MY BODY in a way that I had not felt in these past months. 

I had the yummiest, flowiest yoga practice. 

After that, while I was doing my skincare -I had a little breakthrough moment in my thinking: 

I have become an energetic sponge to the world that surrounds me. 

I have absorbed every negative comment, every critique, every person’s struggle in my field. 

I could see the edges of my field - like a damp, muddy and worn out cloth. 

I re-set my shield and clocked out of the Dakini in a Bikini brand. 

Tonight is just for Jane - and no one else. 

Something that always keeps me coming back to this sacred plant is the way that it helps me to disconnect from my professional life. 

It keeps the boundaries between my teacher persona and my own personal life much stronger. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m not showing up in my full authenticity for work everyday. 

It just means that I stop taking my work home with me - and carrying everyone’s energy into my personal experience. 

I felt like I was drowning in a soup of my own suffering. 

And this tiny hit off this special plant, showed me how to get out of the fucking bowl of soup and back into the clear waters that I prefer. 

It’s a process, it’s not like overnight everything is fixed because of this. 

But the next morning I woke up feeling clear, calm, quiet in my head, excited to go for a walk and get into my body, excited to enjoy a peaceful Saturday at home. 

I felt like something in my reconnected me to the earth. 

Grounded me into the truth of reality. 

Something that I used for so long to numb and escape my feelings. 

Now has helped me to tap in, reconnect and look at my feelings objectively. 

I thought about all the drama happening at the Buddhist temple - and decided that I need to let it go. 

I felt relieved that I didn’t start a ruckus of drama as my Aries nature wanted me to. 

I looked at all of the things that I was burying myself in - like it was all actually just dust I needed to shake off. 

My biggest problem has always been that I take life way too seriously. 

I’m addicted to my own suffering. 

I live for the heaviness. 

And this plant - lifts me out of that. 
It teaches me that nothing is actually that serious. 

That everything is a fleeting feeling. 

And that I cannot carry everyone’s stones. 

I can’t even carry my own. 

That night, I put all of it down. 

And allowed myself to feel weightless again. 

I understand that it’s going to be a slippery slope for me moving forward. 

But I was already on a slippery slope before I decided to break my sobriety. 

I did not have the results of everyone else that I shared this journey with. 

And I’m okay with that. 

We must remain focused on our own realities. 

And not live in comparison of people we see online. 

I spent the weekend offline and it was good. 

I came home to myself thanks to this silly little plant. 

And I feel good about that.