The Wisdom of Being Ghosted
Have you ever had a friend or romantic partner just up and disappear?
Perhaps you had a falling out and your friend vanished from your life. Or, you thought things were going well with a romantic partner and one day they decide to leave you with no explanation. Maybe a client canceled on you one day and then never came back to you again...
This is a pattern I've been observing in those I support. I've been there too! There is so much pain of these kinds of unexplained "losses." Today we call it ghosting, but people have been pulling these kinds of disappearing acts way before the age of social media - it's just that we're all used to low-key stocking each others lives online that it feels different.
It's painful. It really hurts to lose someone with no explanation. I'm sure that as you're reading these words you have someone coming to mind who did this to you... or perhaps you are recognizing that you've done this to somebody.
I'm not writing this to say that there's any right or wrong here. If someone doesn't want to be in your life, let em go. If you don't want to be in someone's life, you have every right to exit.
I'm writing this to bring some wisdom into these painful situations. So that we can zoom out and gain a deeper understanding.
When someone peaces out on you - it likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I recently gave an Akashic Records reading on an issue like this. So much clear wisdom came through:
You can never truly know what is going on in someone else's world. You think you know someone, you may think you know all about their lives and what they are going through. But the truth is that you don't. You can't! It's impossible.
When we think we know someone, it's because we're very familiar with the present version of themselves that they are presenting to the world. We know the version of themselves that they want us to see. Perhaps this is an authentic version of them, perhaps it is not. That also doesn't matter. This person has experienced things in their life that you will truly never understand. Even if they've told you stories about their life, you will never know how that influenced them and the way they see the world.
When someone peaces out on us, we look for answers. We become desperate for an explanation or a reason for the sudden break up. But if you've been ghosted - you know you're not going to get that answer. And if you've done the ghosting - you know that there really isn't that complex of an answer. Or is there?
I believe there is always a subconscious answer as to why we push people away. We're just not all aware enough to always see it or explain it.
For example, I had a friend very suddenly disappear on me. The last thing she said to me was that she wasn't feeling "safe" around me. Which totally shook my ego and sent me spiraling into question of what in the world a person like ME could do to make someone feel unsafe!? I started to assume that maybe I'm perceived as a vicious monster or worse, that she started to enter some sort of psychosis where the people around her, who love her dearly, were a danger to her. This disappearance of someone I really loved and cared for, really shook my world.
But after a few months of space from that situation, I started to remember more details of her life that she had shared with me. Before we became friends, she was living in a different state, on contract in a dance company with an extremely abusive director. She would tell me stories about how horrifying this company that she signed with turned out to be. She'd share with me how she's still healing from that experience and as her friend, I could feel that she had some inner trauma to work through after going through that. But did I have ANY CLUE what that really was like for her to go through and how that is influencing her mental health now? Not at all.
I started to wonder... what if this ghosting situation had a lot less to do with me, and a lot more with this persons deep need to feel safe in a world that didn't keep her safe?
This is where the compassion started to kick in. I have no idea what she went through before we became friends. She must have suffered through some scary shit. I prayed for her to be relieved of this fear and pain.
If I called her today and asked her why she peaced out on me, she probably wouldn't have a straight answer. We can make up answers like - I didn't feel safe with you. But that's obviously not a real explanation. It's the body's trauma speaking in this situation. The body wants to feel safe, so the brain does what it needs to do - and the ghosting ensues.
Something the records showed me is that everyone you know has a story you will never understand. These people we think we know so well, we didn't see their childhood, we didn't see their darkest moments, we didn't see how twisted and toxic their home life was. Even if someone tells us all their stories and secrets, we will never TRULY be able to know or understand or feel what they went through.
So as we go looking for answers as to why people abandoned us, we tend to center those stories around ourselves and what we must have done wrong.
And I'm writing this today to tell you to try something else.
What if you accepted that it wasn't about you?
What if you accepted that you'll just never truly know what happened?
What if you just accepted that the universe did you a solid and took that person out of your life for a reason that again, you'll just never know?
Because here's the wisdom - we don't know shit ya'll. We really don't. You can think you know someone so well, but you don't.
Think of the person that you know better than anyone. Your mom, your wife, your sister. Then really ask yourself, do I really know them? Do I know what it was like to experience their childhood? Do I know what it's like to live in their head? Do I know what it was like to experience their darkest memories? Do I know what kind of worries and fears are rambling about in their head day after day?
The only person who's life you can REALLY know all the truth to is your own.
And do you even know yourself that well?!
Every time we are overly attached to someone and desperately looking for answers as to why they have abandoned us we are simply clinging, grasping onto something that isn't even there.
When I was reading the Akashic Records for my client in this situation, I saw her trying to hold onto all of these gorgeous white doves. Each of these doves represented a story of someone who abandoned her without an explanation. As she was holding all these gorgeous doves, I watched her hands start to tighten their grasp around these doves and slowly it seems that she would suffocate them in her grasp. It was as if the more she attached herself to a need for answers and validation, the more she would harm these gorgeous doves in her hands.
I asked her: What would is feel like to free all of these gorgeous doves and watch them all fly away into freedom in front of you? We cleared her records right there by releasing the doves into the clear blue sky and allowing her to come back to the only truth she really knows - the truth about who she is. What a relief.
Every time we cling onto a story about someone who abandoned us, it's really our ego grasping onto these beautiful birds, suffocating them. Which in turn, is really our own suffocating, because we are gasping for air that isn't there.
You'll never truly know what is going on in someone else's world.
This is why we practice Compassion.
The reason that they left you (if there is one), probably has nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with them.
This is why we release our ego-clinging.
The only person in the world who's truth we can really know is our own.
This is why we allow all others to celebrate their own beautiful truths.
Everyone is doing the best they can to take care of themselves. And if someone abandoned you and you don't know why, send them some love. They are probably suffering a lot. Offer some gratitude to the universe for removing people that weren't right for you and adding new people that are.
Live. Let live. Forgive.
Thank you so much for reading,