9.5.25

It is officially day 30 of being sober and I actually think I’m about to go into full melt down mode. 

I’m not even proud of myself. 

I am just pissed off. 

Today is the day that I have craved to smoke the absolute MOST. 

I feel like I’ve lost my whole afternoon just thinking about it and trying to distract myself by scrolling on my phone and making myself feel even more crazy. 

The dreams I’m having at night are just way too much for me. Too vivid. Too traumatizing. How do I make them stop? 

For most of my life, I’ve had this recurring dream that I’m stuck in this huge mansion that is supposed to be my parents house (but I’ve never seen it before). 

It’s always a different mansion. 

But always the same story. 

My whole family is there. 

But everyone is ignoring me. 

And I can’t understand how I got back there. 

In last night’s dream, I was panicking because I couldn’t find my suitcase anywhere. 

I kept going into bedroom after bedroom but none of them were mine. 

I couldn’t find my things anywhere and I was panicking. 

I wake up and I’m in my own house that I pay for myself that has MY NAME on the lease. 

And I literally have to remind myself:

All of this is mine. 

And I deserve all of this.

No one will kick me out. 

No one will take this away from me. 

This home is my safe space. 

I am safe. 

I am safe. 

But waking up from this same god dam dream just puts a dark cloud over my head. 

Waking up doesn’t feel like a relief. 

It feels like a reminder. 

Of all the pain that lives in my bones. 

That I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with. 

My energy is so low. 

My happiness doesn’t exist. 

And I can’t shake it off.

I finish up work and all I want to do is smoke and check out. 

I keep telling myself that if I could just smoke, my perspective might shift. 

My energy would lighten up. 

I might even giggle a bit at my own suffering! 

That used to be one of my favorite parts about smoking. 

It makes you forget. It makes you silly. And hungry. 

Good thing buying weed in Mexico is sketchy AF. 

So it will not be easy for me to relapse. 

And I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t work that way anymore. 

I don’t need weed to make myself lighten up, or shift or feel better. 

But scrolling on tik Tok under my AC for hours - is that really much better for me? 

My head hurts. 

I’m battling myself. 

I go to the fridge for a Diet Coke and there isn’t any there. 

I text my girlfriend to please bring me one home 🥺

I have been hitting her vape so much that she finally bought one for me today. 

And I hate myself for that even more. 

But at least it’s not altering my consciousness. 

I keep telling myself to be open to something shifting. 

It’s 6:30pm and no shift has happened. I have felt this way since 8am. 

It’s just the same. 

I’m not melting down or crying or throwing a fit. 

I just feel like an ugly, low-vibe sack of bones. 

I feel so unenthused by life. 

I try to read a book - boring. 

I try to get items organized for my retreat - boring. 

I try to organize all this unpacking I have to do in my new house - and only get frustrated. 

I grab my phone again and start scrolling. 

I know this journey isn’t meant to be easy. 

I knew that there would be hard days. 

I just thought that getting to day 30 would feel more like a celebration. 

And instead I’m like, what’s the fucking point? 

If I never got sober, I would have never made that day 14 tik Tok video. 

If I never made that video, I wouldn’t have experienced feeling like my whole sangha turned on me. 

If I never felt like my whole sangha was turning on me I wouldn’t be spiraling in this crises of faith. 

At times like this, I would turn to my Buddhist scriptures to snap me out of my ignorance. 

But I don’t even want to engage with ANY of that right now. 

I look at my shrine and feel like - what’s all this stuff here for???

It’s Friday night, I have a whole weekend to enjoy and all I want to do is sink into a hole of depression. 

I want to close the blinds and just go dark. 

Today. It’s just hard. 

Today, it just sucks. 

Today, I don’t feel the magic of life at all. 

And I hate letting my girlfriend see me like this. 

Because I feel like no matter what she does to try and help me, I will not snap out of it. 

I am like a mountain that cannot be moved. 

So here I am, writing my guts out. 

Trying to find some meaning in these stupid words. 

Feeling like I just go in rambling circles of nihilism. 

Everything sucks. Nothing matters. 

But I’m open to that changing. 

I know that it will change. 

I know that it will change. 

I know that it will change. 

Just please don’t let me have the same dream again. 

I’d way rather be running away from some psychotic stalker. 

I’ll take that hell scape over the memories of my childhood any day.