10.4.25

At the beginning of 2025, I set a goal that I wanted to focus on becoming my future wife’s future wife. 

I was tired of focusing on who my perfect partner would be. 

I was tired of making the checklists, writing about what it would feel like to be with her and putting so much energy into manifesting a specific person. 
Especially after learning that the universe would send me that exact person - and she would turn out to be one of my worst nightmares. 

I scratched all of the wanting and started focusing on who I needed to be in order to attract the perfect person for myself. 

And this started with taking a vow of celibacy - a vow to stop dating completely - a vow to stop chasing girls and start honoring who I share my energy with on a whole new level. 

I promised myself that I would never again step into my masculine and pursue another girl. 
I would relax into my feminine, sit back, be pretty and wait for her to come to me. 

I decided that I needed to fall crazy in love with myself first, and really enjoy my life living alone, totally single here in Tulum. 

Because I knew that if I was meant to find her - the days of my single life were numbered. 

The wild thing is, how harsh on myself I was in order to feel “good enough” to be her wife. 

I had to have a way stronger business - like double my income. 

I needed to look beautiful and put together all of the time - keep my skin clear, let my hair grow long and stay in perfect shape. 

I had to learn to cook all of my own meals and stop struggling with food because no one wants to marry someone who can’t cook and can’t eat. 

Another stupid trivial thing on my list was - I had to learn to start cleaning my own apartment instead of hiring someone because well, Mexicans like a clean girl. 

And all I knew was that I wanted to meet a Mexican. 

Someone from this country that I now called home. 

Someone who would show me her world that I yearned to feel a part of. 

It was a Thursday night that I made the decision: If Tulum brought me here, made me feel at home here and gave me a life here - then why would Tulum make me be alone and isolated forever? 

I decided: she is already here in this town. 

She is looking for me just the way that I am looking for her. 

I told myself that there are plenty of Lesbians here in Tulum - and I would spend the summer finding them. 

The craziest part is - the very next night, I spontaneously met my friends at a bar. 

And there she was - ready to pour me a Jameson on ice. 

Perfectly understanding that I did not want her ruin it by mixing it into a cocktail :) 

I stood my ground on my intentions. 

I didn’t go after her.

I didn’t even know if I was that interested. 

I just felt happy enough that my prayers were answered: 

I met a lesbian. In the gayest bar in town. That I didn’t even know existed. 

I could feel her eyes on me the whole night and it felt good. 

It felt good to be seen by another lesbian. 

That was a feeling I had grown desperate for. 

And in the magnetic nature that I set out to embody for 2025 - she tracked me down the next day and asked me out. 

That was just under six months ago. 

And we’ve been inseparable ever since. 

Six months of the healthiest relationship that I could have ever imagined. 

Six months of her healing all the trauma and bullshit that I went through with other girls by her simply being a kind, loving and genuine person. 

I never knew that I could be worshipped like this. 

I never knew that I could be in a relationship where I wasn’t afraid she was going to leave me. 

Where I can show her my ugliest sides and she unrelentingly tells me how beautiful I am. 

I flipped through my old journal pages of the weeks that came before I met her. 

Where I thought I needed to be all these kinds of things in order to be ready for her. 

When what actually happened was - she filled all of those holes in my life that made me feel that I wasn’t good enough. 

When I met her… I was on the verge of a relapse. 

I had gone through some shit that triggered me to be unable to eat. 

I had countless nights crying alone on my kitchen floor because I couldn’t even get myself to eat a god damn quesadilla. 

Who would want to date someone like this? 

Then, the first meal she cooked for me - I ate every single bite. 

Every time she cooked for me, I felt like a bottomless pit - I could not stop eating. 

I know you say you have these problems with food - but I don’t see it!

She would say to me. 

I almost felt embarrassed at how ravaged I must have seemed every time she cooked for me. 
It was like now that I know her, I am making up for years of starvation through every meal she serves me. 

I haven’t felt anxious around food since the day I met her. 

And her happy place, believe is or not, is the opposite of my happy place - in the kitchen. 

Nothing makes her happier than cooking a big lunch for us every day. 

Asking me if I want something sweet or salty for breakfast. 

Bringing me quesadillas to eat while we watch TV in bed. 

She even did her own research on how to help someone in recovery from anorexia. 

The advice was - to keep the kitchen stocked with anything that she might ever crave. 

Not only is there ALWAYS three home cooked meals in glass Tupperwares in the fridge at all times. 

But there is also cereal, cookies, Nutella, every kind of chips, ice cream, popcorn, literally you name it - she has it in the kitchen whenever I want it.

On top of that, the grocery store used to be my biggest nightmare. 

I haven’t done a single grocery run since the day we met. 

I don’t know what her presence has done to me - but I have been astounded at how well fed I am since the day I met her - and I’ve never felt so focused on my work and my well-being when the stress of eating is simply taken off my list of responsibilities. 

This may seem like a small blessing to most people, but to me - she saved my life with this gift of food. 

Although she is the masc in our relationship, the truth is - she kind of likes to be a housewife. 

She spends her free days cleaning up the garden, doing the laundry and she has a housekeeper come every other week just to help her stay on top of things. 

She could care less that I don’t know how to clean - and she certainly doesn’t think it’s my job either. 

She celebrates the business I run. She takes pride in seeing me do my work and helping others. 

They say that your success in business has a HUGE factor in who your life partner is. 

And with her, I don’t have a single worry that her presence is a distraction from my work. 

Epic fear - cleared. 

Because she also has an entrepreneurial spirit. 

She understands my way of life and was proud of the business I’ve created. 

Most of her life she’s opened bars, produced huge events and also built and sold her own business. 

She started working at the bar in Tulum because she felt a calling to return home and well, needed a job. 

Last September. 

The same month that I decided that I needed to get serious about what kind of woman I want in my life. 

She returned to town the second I got serious about my intentions to meet the right person.

I just didn’t know she was here yet. We both needed time to heal and be ready to meet. 

Obviously - I was quite anxious about dating someone who worked at a bar full time. 

And over the first few weeks of us dating - that anxiety got worse. 

Her drinking triggered the fuck out of me. 
Her coming home at odd hours of the night didn’t sit right with me. 

I chose this. 

I would tell myself.

I chose to date someone who is passionate about bartending. You have to live with this. 

Until one morning, she came home smelling like alcohol. 

She sat on my bed and told me, I’m going to quit working at the bar. 

I’m going to quit drinking. 

This isn’t the life I want. 

The life I want is one with you. 

And I don’t want to put you through this anymore.

I never even had to ask her to leave that job. 

She could feel that it wouldn’t align with our future. 

So she took the leap, and did what was best for her, not just me. 


Instead of panicking and looking for another job, she trusted in herself and the universe to guide her. 

Just like I would have. 

She put her other love into action - her love of cooking. 

She started meal prepping for locals in town and hosting Secret Suppers in her garden to make a living. 

I haven’t had a shred of anxiety over our future since she made that decision for herself. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: 

I didn’t need to become the perfect person in order to be good enough for my future wife. 

And she didn’t need to be the perfect person for me either. 

She came into my life and filled the holes where I was deeply struggling. 

I came into her life and gave her a reason to make the changes she always knew she wanted to make. 

Our connection has catalyzed this massive growth and evolution in the both of us. 

Since the day we met, all we want to do is be better for each other.

While at the same time - loving each other unconditionally even when we are not at our best. 

I’ve never known unconditional love like this. 

I’ve never known that I could be in a relationship that feels so safe, so loving, so fun, so secure. 

She doesn’t get jealous of the time I spend with my friends - all of my friends simply became her friends - and she pushes me to get out of the house and spend time with them alone. 

She doesn’t get upset when I tell her stories of girls I loved in the past. She loves to hear my stories. 

Because all of those girls loved me when I needed to be loved - and let go of me so that I could eventually be led to her. 

She is so secure in what we have - that I’ve never had to convince her that she’s the one I want. 

She knows she deserves me just like I know that I deserve her. 

She lets me be lazy. 

She lets me sleep in. 

She lets me work 12 hours a day on my business without ever complaining. 

She lets me stay up all hours of the night writing my guts out on my laptop without wondering what the fuck I’m doing. 

She’s so quick to drop everything to give me anything that I ask for - that I have to be careful if I say I want something because a sentence as mindless as “churros sound good right now” - will have her grabbing her keys and running out the door to get them. 

She wants to give me everything I’ve ever wanted. 

She wants to see me become everything I’ve ever wanted to become. 

And she wants to become someone that I’m going to be proud of. 

Even though I’m always proud of her. 

She lives with this intention that everything we do is for the life that we are building together. 
That she would go to the ends of the earth to protect what we have. 

That as long as she is by my side, we can handle every single thing that comes our way. 

I did not know that I could have a love like this. 

She makes every shitty thing I’ve ever been through in my life, feel totally worth it. 

She makes every single regret I have - feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. 

The one thing I wish is that I could go tell my 16 year old self that I was going to have this someday. 
I wish my younger self could know that I would have everything I ever wanted someday. 

Because I just did not know that I could find a love like this. 

I did not know that I could find everything I ever wanted in her. 

I always wonder why the fuck I ended up in the state of Quintana Roo. 

But lately, I feel like the reason I came here was to find her. 

And she had to come back to her home state to find me, here waiting. 

I told her that she’s not allowed to bring up even the IDEA of marriage until we have been dating for at least one year. 

But the only secret that I’ve been keeping from her is this: 

I hope she asks me as soon as this one year is up. 

Because I know for a fact with my entire soul and body. 

She is the one.