I woke up around noon, absolutely smashed over how late we sleep in here. 

I saw Julieta's head pop up above the loft and give me a sleepy smile. 

Buenaaaaas dias! 

Lying from the bed below her I smiled and also felt my face get hot as I covered it with my hands. 

I'm sorry about last night. That wasn't cool.  

I'm sorry I cock-blocked you. I know how much you wanted to bust a nut. 

Yeah but not after a first date!!!! Or while you are ten feet away! Today is a big day. We gotta focus. 


It was the last day of our training with Master Hajime.

Six more hours of getting final "passes" on everything. 

I knew today would be the most advanced, pressing day - and Julieta was under pressure. 

I wasn't exactly sure what to make of the night before. 

All I knew was that it was amazing. 

And I wanted to see her again. 

But I had to put my feelings aside. 

I didn't want to get my hopes up. 

I'd be catching a flight home the next day.

And I STILL had no idea how this girl felt about me. 

I was in Japan to model. Not get psyched out over a date. 

Focus, Jane. 


....but I needed to see her that night. 

I HAD to have at least one more chance to feel her out. 

So I decided to be my good old, hella direct self. 

I texted her, Hey, if you are not busy tonight and you're open to it - I'd love to come over to your place and finish what we started. 🙃

I anxiously awaited her response. 

To which she accepted my self-invitation and told me she'd let me know when she's done with her dinner plans. 


This day in this training absolutely was the toughest day. 

Not mentally - I had aquired quite a mindful resilience at this point. 

But physically, it was extremely tough. 

In the last hour, our sensei told me they'd done enought damage on my body and they needed to bring in a model to finish testing. 

I felt for a moment, like I had failed. 

However, I also agreed. I was exhausted. My body was so raw as we rounded close to 40 hours total. 

As the model came in, I actually got excited to finally get to watch someone do what I'd been trying to do - 

she had an effortless serenity to her face and body that knew the ropes much better than mine did.


I looked at my phone and had more texts from her. 

I knocked back some grape gummy candy. 

All I could think about was the fucking aftercare I was craving. 

Shibari is meant to be intimate and sensual, coupled with loving aftercare. 

I was basically in a clinical setting under fluorescent office lights, surrounded by men and my best friend who was focused on just passing these tests. 

No one was wrapping me up in a blanket and holding me afterwards. 

The only person I wanted aftercare from was her. 

And with each suspension - that reward was all I could think about. 


Julieta passed her final test. 

We left the studio full of pride and maybe a couple tears. 

We had plans to meet our friends in Shibuya for a final night out on the town. 


I nervously got ready, knowing I would cab over to her place before the night was over. 

And after a couple of hours of being crazy over-stimulated by the neon drunken flashing energy of the square - she texted me. 

I'm home now, here's my address. Come when you are ready. 

At the same time, my friends were all ready to head home. 

Each of us decided to grab our own cabs. 

I showed my driver the pin she dropped and we were off. 

Once again, my full body is calm. 

I was not nervous at all. 

I was just ready. 

Everything felt like it was exactly as it was meant to be. 


I pulled up to a surprisingly nice apartment and found my way in. 

I took the elevator up to the top floor and walked out to see this incredible, vast view of Tokyo at night. 

I heard her open the door behind me. 

She was wearing a black cut-off muscle tee with no bra and these thick stitched dark blue cargo pants. 

Damn. 

This girl is like, fire hot.  

She had thick wolf cut jet-black hair and porcelain skin. Her lips are about as perfect as her dark, sensual eyes. 

I walked into her home with my shoes on. 

And felt like an absolute idiot because I'm an American in Japan. 

But the view from her place was so distracting. 

The quiet surrounding of this massive lit up city was so bewildering to me. 

I brought her a silly tiny meditating Buddha cat to remember me by. 

I did know enough not to show up empty handed to a Japanese home - perhaps that made up for having my shoes on. 

She placed it on her window sill and we both sat down on the bed that was tucked into it's own little Nook. 


The wall was covered in paper textiles that I guessed she'd collected from all of her travels. 

She sat two feet in front of me with her legs stretched out and open.

This girl's body language is crystal clear. 

I felt this weird urge to pick up her adorable feet and start massaging them. 

Almost as if falling into her body and caring for her after a long day was a mindless, naturally effortless move. 

I resisted, because I wanted to make her feel safe with me before I put my hands all over her. 


It's crazy how quickly we just started talking. 

I don't know how much time we spent just sitting there and talking so much about so many things so immediately. 

I'm not sure that an awkward silence could exist between us. 

Maybe perhaps something more like a quiet... blushing... grinning and smiling moment. 


She moved closer to me. 

And I took my moment, grabbing both her legs and pulling them into me. 

We fell into each other. 

I couldn't even tell you what happened next. 

But one of the best nights of my life went by right before my eyes. 

Every time I think about it I get a full body chill of crazy pleasure. 

Every flash of the way she showed her desire for me. 

It was all so organic. 

So much chemistry. 

So much trust. 

I pulled back so many times to ask her more questions. 

Torn between devouring her body and opening her brain. 

Wanting to know every single thought she'd ever had. 

While also wanting to cover every inch of her with my lips. 

I was frustrated, that I could not do both at the same time. 

At some point, we were asleep in each others arms... 

And the sky started to get lighter. 

I woke up to stare at her sleeping face. 

And had zero thoughts besides: 

She is so beautiful. 

I want to watch her forever. 

And then reality sets in: 

I have to get on a plane today and go back to the other side of the world. 

Like, TODAY. 

Like, I have limited time left in this moment. 

I avoided checking my phone or looking at the clock because I didn't want to ever snap out of this fantasy. 

I almost couldn't believe it was real. 

How the fuck did I end up here??? 


She woke up and we soaked up the final hours we had together... 

Finally, at the very last minute that I could even push spending with her, 

I forced myself to get dressed and leave. 

And I was shocked by how hard this is. 

I started to feel her energy so strong. 

I looked at her, and she looked so sad. 

I feel like I'm abandoning you. 

What is happening???


I sat down behind her on her bed and wrapped my arms and legs around her. 

As if I'd held her this way a hundred times before.

I had no idea what to say, or what we were supposed to do. 

All I knew was that leaving her in that moment felt wrong.


But I have to. 

I gave her one final kiss. 

And felt my heart breaking. 

At the same time, the rush of oxytocin has me feeling like I'm living in a simulation. 

Life cannot be real right now. 


I walked about five minutes to the train station. 

Got on the correct train without even thinking about it. 

Transferred trains in Shibuya without even thinking about it. 

Makeup and glitter smeared on my face from last night. 

I can't believe I didn't wash off my face. 

I was rolling with the 9-5 crew of Japan... everyone is headed to work. 

And I had to catch a flight. 

I probably look like absolute garbage. 


I exited at Shin-Okubo and made a hard left into the Starbucks. 

I ordered two almond milk lattes. One for Julieta, one for me. 

The only thing that would get me through that moment was a good coffee. 

I walked two more blocks home and down the alleyway. 

Returned to my micro apartment. 

Julieta was just getting out of the shower. 

I handed her the latte and fell into bed. 

How was you're night???

She asked as she towel dried her hair.

I responded plain and simple:

I'm absolutely FUCKED bro. 

One month ago I was in Tokyo and… I went on the best date of my life.

It was silly because I really didn’t think much would come of it. 

I really wasn’t even trying to date anyone in Tokyo because I was obviously there for an intensive training. 

But after a Friday night of roaming through the lesbian / kink bars and just feeling disappointed in what kinda gays Tokyo had to offer… I started to feel things. 

Curiosity, maybe? 

It was 2am and we were at a Korean bbq spot full of drunk people. 

I felt the most confusing prodding inside of me that there was someone in Tokyo for me… but why didn’t I see her out that night?

I kept reminding myself - I’m not here to date. I’m here to get tied up for 40 hours. 

Find a girl in Tulum - not here. 

Then this urge got the best of me. 


While Julieta downed her pork belly, I pulled out my phone and changed my hinge location. 

“Let’s see what kinda chicks we’re working with around here…,” 

I said out loud as we started to scroll through meaningless faces and names. 


Left swipe. 

Left swipe. 

Left swipe. 

Left swipe. 

Left swipe. 

Left swipe. 

STOP. 

Wait. 

She’s fucking cute. 

I would date her. 

Swipe right. 

Move on. 

Left. 
Left.
Left. 

Pretty soon I got to the end of the cue. 

My options in Tokyo were slim - and mostly ex-pats.

Well, at least I gave it an honest shot. 

The next afternoon I get a message from the only girl I swiped right on:

What is the resident Lesbian of Tulum doing in Tokyo??

I responded quickly in between suspensions: 

Hi, my friend is a Shibari artist and I’m here to be her model in an intensive training. 

She was surprised by my response: 

I wasn’t expecting that answer.. now I’m intrigued… 

I liked her entire vibe that I could feel through these messages 

(not to mention her perfectly curated profile that showed just enough of her style and sense of humor to make her quite the charmer imo). 

But, I really wasn’t trying to go on a date in Tokyo! 

I was on day 2 of my training and we had gone for over ten hours.. 

I left the studio that night and cried at conveyer belt sushi as my body was raw and my emotions far too vulnerable. 

But at about 1am that evening she messaged me again… 

It’s a shame your not in town longer.. I’d love to take you out any night. 

I told her I’m not sure if I’d have time to socialize. 

I even wondered why the fuck I was swiping on Hinge. 

After the day I had just been put through, I felt like there was no way I would be up for a freaking date with a fucking cute Japanese-American Lesbian. 

But alas, we continued texting. 


And the next day was better. 

I caught a second wind. 

And decided I would give her a chance. 

What’s a gay girl do in Tokyo anyways? 

How’s Thursday at 10pm?  

I set a date and time. 

She chose the place. 

After another long day of getting tied up, 
I could not have been more excited to put on some makeup and go for a long walk to find the pin she dropped.

As I walked with my fresh lipgloss and Sauvage cologne stained wrists down the streets of Shin-Okubo, I found it odd that I wasn’t the slightest bit nervous to go on a date in a foreign country with someone I literally did not know. 

I felt so safe in Tokyo and this girl just seemed so down to earth… 

The closer I got to her location, the more good feelings that rolled through me about how this night might go…

I met her outside the bar she suggested and felt insecure as I gave her a hug - I was kinda sweaty in my tube top from the humid night air of Japan. 

She explained that the vibe in that bar didn’t feel quite right to her and she chose a better place. 

She’s already felt the vibe and chosen another place.. what a masc energy move. Fucking hot. 

We arrive to a classic Lesbian bar and I had already warned her I didn’t drink. 

She spoke Japanese to the bar tender and pulled out some Yen to pay, ordering me a ginger ale and a cocktail for herself. 

I realized that there was no way for me to function from my masculine while on this date in a foreign country. 

I sank into my heels and let her fucking masc the date outta me. 

I HAD to let her lead the way. 

I HAD to surrender to my feminine. 

I felt uncomfortable with it… but I did my best to keep trusting her and let it happen. 

We started talking. 

I think the best part of starting this date was that I had ZERO expectations. 

I could have cared less if this girl liked me or not. 

Yeah, she’s cute as fuck but once I learned she was born and raised in New York I felt a wall go up. 

New York people are well… you know. 

But once she explained why she decided to go back to her parent’s homeland and live as an ex-pat in Tokyo - I felt like we understood each other. 

It was like we didn’t have to explain why we live the lives we do. 

We both stamped up our passports all year long and preferred a life outside of the United States.

I felt myself leaning in…

At some point she had made it clear that the trains stopped running at midnight and she’d need to catch the last one home. 

I figured I would just walk her to the station around a quarter ’til and call it a night as well. 

Until a quarter ’til came and she offered me two options:

“So, I can either head to the train station and we can call this a night OR… if you’re open to it, I’d love to stay out for a couple of more hours with you…” 

Another masc move - setting structure and letting me choose from two options. HOT.

And you know I was game :) 

Soooo we wandered through Nichome’s micro bars and I let her lead the way. 

She chose the cutest little tiny traditional bar that tempted me with a line up of fancy Japanese whiskeys. 

There was also a lot of knick knacks and books on the counter so I reached for a Rubik’s cube to help me hold onto my sobriety. 

Dating always seems to be the biggest risk on me not drinking… I had to hold onto trust that I’m good enough the way I am. 

Although, as I felt her continue to drink and warm up to me, I felt myself get a little buzzed as I warmed up to her too. 

These tiny bars are so intimate, it only forced us to be closer. 

I’m not sure when I realized we were fucking coasting but it must have been around when she told me she was raised Buddhist… 

And we dove in head first into philosophy and how people need something to fill the empty space that this earth life gives us. 

She is an intellectual. 

Not spiritual. 

And I liked that. 

Especially because this conversation was spiritual af imo. 

I felt like we were speaking each others languages… just in different dialects. 

Eventually her body fully opened up to me …even her legs were open towards me… palms facing up. 

An invitation. 

I wanted to grab her hands and kiss her right then… 

But this is Japan… 

This is not my culture… 

People are conservative here. 

And I didn’t want to make any wrong choices. 

So I continued to play it cool. 

Right up until I asked her if she wanted to come crash at my place since she missed the train. 

It was getting close to 3am. 

And I still had a six hour training the next day. 

But I felt like I could wander the infinite streets of Tokyo all night with this girl. 

She agreed to come home with me and I felt myself blush hard. 


I texted Julieta, 

We’re just gonna come crash, I promise.  

As we approached my street.. 

And I continued to hold back the full body desire to push her against the brick wall and make out with her so hard… 

She said to me, 

“I gotta admit Jane, I was really really wrong about you…”

“What?!” I said looking at her, quite seriously as we approached my front door.

She continued…

“A white buddhist girl living in Tulum… I was prepared to kind of hate you. 
No offense. 

I was curious, I had to see what you were all about… 

And I’m so pleasantly surprised by who you are.” 

Half of me was offended.. but an even bigger half of me knew exactly what she meant. 

On paper, people think I’m one way. 

You’ve got to be lucky enough to get to know me to find out how wrong you are. 

And I guess she was lucky enough. 

We snuck into my micro apartment quietly.

I offered her one of my big t-shirts to sleep in and asked her if she needed anything else. 

She looked quite content and ready to crawl into my bed. 

I of course, had to go into the bathroom and complete my entire skincare routine. 

And when I came out, seeing her in nothing by my t-shirt, made me feel like a drooling dog. 


I continued to do my best to play it cool. 

“You look cute in my t-shirt,”

I whispered as I crawled into bed next to her. 

I turned off the lamp, rolled over and was immediately met with her body on top of mine, her lips on my lips, her hands wrapping themselves up in my hands. 

She pounced like a tiger the second it got dark. 

And I was INTO IT. 

I had never felt someone else’s body want me so bad. 

I’d also never hooked up with someone after a first date. 

My brain kept yelling, SLOW DOWN. 

YOU’RE NOT A ONE NIGHT STAND. 

JULIETA IS ASLEEP UPSTAIRS. 

WHY CAN’T YOU SLOW DOWN. 

I didn’t want to. 

I was completely enmeshed in her body. 

It felt like there was no force on the planet that could stop what was happening. 

Until I hear Julieta’s voice above us. 


“JANE.”

We stopped. 

“I can hear everything you are doing. This is not the time or place.” 

I knew that. I promised her I’d be good. 

And we were being bad girls. 

“Lo sientoooo Julietaaaaaa,” I said feeling a crashing wave of both awkward embarrassment and relief. 

Of course I wanted to have sex with her. 

But not like that. 

Not when I didn’t know what I meant to her. 

Not if I’m just a fling. 

I’m just not that kind of girl. 

Never have been. 

We giggled a bit and fell right into cuddling. 


The way she held my hands all night made me feel like I meant something more to her than just a hook up. 

But I kept waking up in the night, holding her in my arms, feeling my heart pounding in so much fear…

Who is this girl??

Is she going to break my heart? 

Have I made a huge mistake? 

What is about to happen? 


Around 5am, I heard her sneak out of bed and get dressed. 

In my parlayzed slumber I thought to myself, 

she’s going to sneak out now. I was just a hook up. Good thing we didn’t go far.

Right up until she started covering me in kisses. 

My face…

My neck… 

My lips… 

“I’m going to sneak out and so I don’t disturb you two any longer… but I really hope I get to see you again” 

She whispered this to me in the most affectionate tone that made me think… 

Shit, this girl really fucking likes me. 

And I think I really fucking like her too.

But at that point, all I could do was sleep hard for a few more hours and prepare my mind and body for one final day of intensive training… 

It starts to hit me as I exit on State and drive into SLC, right past the giant neon bowling pin that was always my favorite mark of home.

That and the obvious Mount Olympus. 

But it's dark. I can’t even see what color the trees are. 

Even with my glasses on, I feel so blind at night.

I zoom in on the busted Trolley Square waterpower lights and sense a rise of irritation.

That’s when I feel the pressure of the ropes closing in around me.

I breath deep and roll down the windows.


This is what the ropes are teaching me. 


Driving deeper towards south temple, I feel the ropes aggressively snap tighter into my skin.

So quick that it shocks my body.

The most subtle panic starts to come over me.

Just subtle enough to remind me to surrender. 

Let yourself go. 

Loosen your grip. 

Stop struggling. 

And suddenly, the ropes of the city’s constriction soften into my skin.

Like they are holding me.

Just keeping me safe.

The more you relax, the more they soften. 


Finally I surrender, my body starts to melt…

Not really sure what is tied where.

Just an entire being, completely suspended.

Not going anywhere.

Not falling up or down.

But perfectly still in space.

Completely vulnerable to the riggers next move. 


If only you would relax.

If only you could let go.

You could recognize how good this moment feels.

Suspended in the universe.


If the riggers were God that’s what he would say. 

A kinky, somatic God. 


Coming back to this city feels like bondage.

It feels like constriction.

Like I can’t breathe. 

What if you decided to stop struggling.

Five days since I’ve been tied up .. and I’m seeing what the ropes are teaching me.


To me, the ropes are not sexual.

They are deeply sensual.

They bring me into my body.

They quiet my mind.

I put full trust in the rigger, an intimate dance of deep attention.

Once that last foot is pulled up off the ground and high into the air,

You fall head first into submission. 



Hands behind my back.

Ankles hanging above me.

My body wanted to thrash around and scream at times.

Random waves of intense fear would roll through me.

But each time I’d realize, it’s my mind that is the problem.


Over come the mind.

And the body releases.


It melts. 

It unwinds. 

And before you know it they’re letting you down. 

Feet back on the ground. 

Ropes released. 

It’s all so quiet.


Sitting down to rest, my mind is in an effortless meditative state.

My body is so calm and still.

Everyday I got more and more resilient to the ropes.

Less limbs going numb and tingly.

Like my body was becoming more resilient to the stress. 

A synthetic, manufactured stress.


I start to see this as an extreme energetic resilience practice.

Five days on, five days off now.

And I’m feeling mad effects of it all.

When I should be tense, I move with ease.

When I think I’m panicking it’s just my heart beating.

I feel more at home in my body than I ever have.

I feel clear, as if every suspension was a massive energy rinse.



I had said I wanted to squeeze all the zen out of Japan.

I just didn’t know it was going to be so ripe.